


after all this time, i'm still into you

by obsessivelymoody



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Forever Home, M/M, that's all this is tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14302839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelymoody/pseuds/obsessivelymoody
Summary: As Dan and Phil move house for the last time, Phil reflects on various crucial moments in their relationship.This was written for phandomficfests Spring/New Beginnings Fest.





	after all this time, i'm still into you

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to Tasha/[yourfriendlyblogstalker](http://yourfriendlyblogstalker.tumblr.com/) for being a really wonderful and helpful beta reader!

October 2009

 

The air at Manchester Piccadilly was damp and the sky dreary. For Phil, however, this day was anything but. His thoughts were running a million miles an hour, and the feelings of elation and anxiety coursing through his body were giving him whiplash. 

_What if he doesn’t like me? What if he isn’t actually on that train? What if he hates me as soon as he sees me? What if he won’t be the one getting off the train?_

Eventually, Phil watched the train pull into the station, and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

_Here ;]_

His breath caught in this chest, a feeling of lightheadedness taking over as he somewhat frantically looked around for a tall brown haired boy. He sees him and-- it’s like being hit with an electric shock. 

He’s there. He’s real. 

When Dan spots him, his face lights up in a way Phil had rarely seen before, and through a grainy webcam at that. Phil felt his chest burst as he watched Dan start to move faster through the crowd. 

“Phil--” is all Dan manages to get out before Phil engulfs him in a hug. They cling to each other for a few moments, knowing that they can’t do much more in public. But Phil never wants to let go; Dan’s warm and smells like it too. 

“It’s so nice to meet you,” Phil said, pulling back. 

“Y--yeah, you too,” Dan laughed nervously, “I’m glad to be here.”

Phil nodded in agreement and paused momentarily, wanting to say so much. He could feel his whole body vibrating out of anxiety and excitement. 

“We should probably get off the platform,” Phil eventually blurted. 

“Right,” Dan replied, smiling shyly at Phil before looking away. 

As they started walking Phil wished he could reach out and take Dan’s hand. He never wants to stop touching him. 

*

Later, when they were sat alone together in a carriage on the Manchester wheel, Dan kissed him. 

“I--I wanted to do that the moment I met you,” Phil said, blushing. 

Dan smiled and ducked his head, cheeks ablaze. Phil leaned in again, leaving a lingering peck on Dan’s lips. 

Smiling giddily at each other, they pulled away and watched the view of the city, washed with the glow of a sunset, hands linked over Phil’s knee. 

Phil wanted this moment to last forever, and had the sudden urge to make it known that at this point in time, he was sat with a cute boy who he likes very much, who just kissed him because he likes him back. He wanted to carve their existence into this space. He knew it was silly, but he felt like grabbing the sharpie at the bottom of his bag and writing their initials on the pole in front of them. 

But he resisted the urge. Instead, he looked over at Dan, drinking in the golden flush the sun gave him, and rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand. 

*

Phil never thought being with Dan would make his heart so heavy. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Phil said quietly to Dan as they entered Manchester station. 

They had expressed similar sentiments earlier, clinging to each other in Phil’s bed, not wanting to move but eventually having to or Dan would miss his train. 

“I don’t want to either,” Dan said, “These three days have been the best of my entire life.”

Phil nodded and bit his lip, taking in a sharp breath when a rash thought popped into his head. 

“How long until your train comes, again?” He asked Dan, feeling his palms tingle with anticipation. 

“Uh, fifteen minutes or so?” Dan fumbled for the ticket in his pocket, but Phil intercepted, grabbing his arm and pulling him away. 

“Come with me,” He said, and Dan obliged.

Phil took them to one of the only quiet corners of the station behind a clunky old vending machine, and pulled a sharpie out of his back pocket. 

“Phil, what are you doing?” 

He ignored Dan, and turned to the wall behind them and drew a small, lopsided heart with “P+D” written in the centre of it. Dan moved to stand next to Phil, and let out a small gasp when he saw what Phil had put on the wall. 

“I don’t even know what--” 

“I wanted to have a little piece of us here,” He looked away for a moment, a queasy nervous feeling developing in the pit of his stomach, “It’s silly, I know, but I wanted the time we shared here to be marked somehow.” 

“I--Phil, this is lovely,” Dan paused and shook his head, a small smile on his face, “I wish I could stay with you forever.”

Dan dipped his head towards Phil’s, and they stood there for a moment, foreheads and noses touching. Their hands found each other at their sides, and Phil couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of bittersweet comfort. Dan was leaving to go four hours south in less than ten minutes, and despite the heartbreaking feeling of being away from him again, Phil felt like this was the start of something that he would hold onto forever. 

*

December 2009

 

The night was icy and quiet, with no signs of life besides the white puffs of air from their breaths, and the footprints Dan and Phil trailed across the otherwise perfect blanket of white outside the hospital. 

Dan laid down in the snow, and after a moment of hesitation, Phil laid down beside him. They looked up at the clear, star smattered sky above them. It was beautiful, and Phil turned his head to look at the boy beside him. Dan had a small smile on his face, his eyes closely trained on the sky above them. At least that’s what Phil thought, until Dan turned to look back at him. Phil felt his heart skip in his chest, and he leaned forwards, pressing his cold lips to Dan’s. Dan kissed Phil back, resting a gloved hand on Phil’s neck. 

“Wait,” Phil whispered when they broke away. He leaped up and walked over to a fresh patch of snow. 

He felt a nervous warm feeling blossom in his chest as he traced three words he couldn’t repeat enough into the snow. Biting his bottom lip, Phil stepped back to admire his handiwork. Thank god it’s legible, Phil thought to himself. 

“What’s that, Phil?” Dan asked, getting up. 

Brushing snow off his butt, Dan walked over to stand beside Phil, whose throat felt like it was full of cotton wool. 

Phil let out a nervous laugh. “I, uh…”

Dan’s gloved hand came up to his mouth as he took in Phil’s message. 

“ _Phil_ ,” he turned to Phil, grabbing his arm, “I love you too.”

Dan’s voice was barely above a whisper, and though this wasn’t the first time they’ve said it to each other, Phil knew this moment was incomparable to anything else. 

“I would scream it from rooftops if I could, Dan,” Phil said, fully turning to face Dan. 

“Me too,” Dan whispered back at him, “I wish snow didn’t have to melt. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” 

Phil felt his heart ache at that. He wanted to give Dan the world. He suddenly wished that he wrote his message into wet concrete instead of snow, immortalizing the moment Phil finally realised how much he loves Dan. 

*

February 2010

 

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Phil said, “I don’t want you to be dead on your feet with your family in the morning.” 

“It’ll be worth it though,” Dan mumbles, and Phil watches his head dip closer to the pillow through Dan’s poor quality webcam. 

“Go to sleep, Dan,” Phil said softly, “I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay?” 

“I wish I could be with you for Valentine's,” Dan murmurs. 

“Me too.” Phil hadn’t ever had anyone to spend Valentine’s day with, and it hurt that the first person he could have it with was across the world. And they thought the four hours that usually separated them was bad. 

“Okay, fine,” Dan said, yawning, “I’ll go to bed.”  
“I’ll see you tomorrow for sure. Goodnight, Dan.”

“‘Night, Phil,” Dan smiled at him, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Phil whispered back. 

After shutting his laptop, Phil had an idea, one that would capture this moment forever. He crawled off his bed and grabbed his camera battery from the charger in the wall, stuck it into his camera and placed it on its tripod. With shaky hands, he grabbed his SD card, shoving that into his camera as well, and turned it on. 

“Arwf. Hi, Dan…”

*

October 2010

 

Standing in front of his chest of drawers, Phil dropped the plastic Tesco bag on the floor beside him and opened the top drawer. It was full, but Phil knew space could easily be made. 

After emptying out the drawer onto the floor for sorting, Phil sat down next to the pile, thinking about the task he’d set for himself upon waking up, and what had prompted his trip to Tesco earlier. 

Phil had woke up that morning with Dan on his mind. Well, most mornings started with thoughts of Dan, namely about what ridiculous way he was going to text him good morning. Today, however, he craved hearing Dan’s voice, and thought about the first time Dan had called him after starting university. 

“Phil?” 

He didn’t even get the chance to say “hello” before Dan’s voice, sounding small and crushed, poured out of the receiver. 

“My grandma didn’t pick up her phone, and I don’t know what to do.”

Phil’s heart hurt at how dreary Dan sounded. 

“Oh Dan,” Phil replied, keeping his tone gentle, “Where are you? What happened?”

“In Asda getting groceries,” Dan paused for a moment, “I don’t know how to fucking cook anything that doesn’t involve a toaster or a frozen pizza.”

Phil found himself completely sympathising with Dan, thinking back to crying into a set of Tesco’s tea towels on the night before he left for university. 

“I know what you mean, Dan. It was the same for me when I started uni.”

Dan sniffed. “Yeah?”

“I wish I was there with you,” Phil said softly. 

“Me too,” Dan laughed wetly, “I don’t know what I’m doing, Phil. I thought this would be easier.” 

“I think we all do,” Phil said, “Did you want to come over to mine later?”

“No...well, I mean yes, of course,” Phil smiled into his phone, “But I don’t think I want to be known as the guy who cried into cheese and ran away on the first day.” 

They laughed together, and Phil told him that he can come over whenever he needs to. 

“I--thank you, Phil. For listening. I guess I just needed to hear a familiar voice.”

“Of course, Dan. I love you.”

“I love you too,” There was a moment of silence before Dan continued, “We’ll see each other soon, right?”

“Whenever you want,” Phil replied, wishing again that he could be with Dan right now. 

“Great, well, I’ll talk to you later then. I don’t want my housemates to think I’m weird already.”

“No, you definitely don’t want that,” Phil laughed, “I’ll see you soon, Dan.”

After saying their goodbyes and hanging up the phone, Phil wished, not for the first or last time, that Dan could be living with him, instead of in some sterile uni hall with a bunch of strangers. 

He still felt the same way now, sat on his bedroom floor, sifting through the contents of his top dresser drawer. Once he finished sorting through his clothes, he stood up to put them away, keeping them concentrated to the left side of the drawer.

 _Perfect_ , he thought to himself, pulling his phone out of his back pocket to text Dan. 

_Hey if you have a chance to stop by after class i have a surprise for you! ^__^_

Dan texted him back almost immediately. 

_consider me on my way_

Phil smiled to himself, and picked up the Tesco bag from the floor beside him. He pulled out the various kinds of toiletries he bought from it and arranged them neatly in the bare side of the drawer. 

Finally, he pulled a key out of his pocket and placed it in the centre of the drawer before shutting it and walking out of his room to go wait for Dan. 

*

July 2011

 

“I can’t believe we actually have a place,” Dan said, walking around the flat, arms stretched out wide. 

He turned to Phil, who was leaning against the breakfast bar, and flashed him a dimpled smile. 

“Yeah, and the fact that it’s so cheap is a bonus,” Phil said. 

“I mean, someone probably got murdered here,” Dan said, laughing, “But I’m not complaining.”

“I’m sure it’s a step up from half a drawer,” Phil replied, and Dan rolled his eyes. 

“Going off of the size of my bedroom compared to yours, I’d say it’s only _half_ a step up from half a drawer,” Dan said, moving towards Phil. 

“It’s not like you’re going to be sleeping in there much anyway,” Phil said, grinning at Dan, who hooked a finger through one of the belt loops on Phil’s jeans. 

“Mmm,” Dan said, pressing his lips to Phil’s, closing the gap between them.

Kissing Dan was oddly grounding, and Phil was suddenly struck with the equally terrifying and exciting thought that he was actually going to be _living_ with Dan. It made his head spin. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, as Phil pulled away. 

“Yeah, I’m just--” He paused, letting out a quick laugh, “I just realized that we’re going to be living together.” 

Dan laughed.

“Of course we are,” Dan said, “Did that not settle in when we shelled out a damage deposit?”

“It did, but I guess I still can’t believe it,” Phil laughed, aware of how silly he sounded. 

“I think I know what you mean,” Dan replied, “And I’m glad we’re doing this together.” 

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, feeling an overwhelming sense of thankfulness towards his younger self for taking a chance on Dan two years ago, “Together.” 

*

August 2012

 

Phil looked up from the game he was playing on his phone as Dan placed two steaming mugs, caramel dripping over the sides of them, on the table.

“Thank you,” He said to Dan, who smiled broadly in return. 

“No problem,” He sat down across from him, tossing a stir stick in Phil’s direction, “Thanks for saving our spot.”

“We’re lucky that it was empty today,” Phil replied, “Not that I wouldn’t have given anyone sitting in our spot the death stare until they moved.” 

“Yeah, because you’re so scary, Phil,” Dan scoffed, “Seriously though, I can’t believe this is it.” 

Phil nodded, absently stirring the caramel into his coffee. 

The day after tomorrow, they were leaving Manchester, exchanging their tiny apartment for a bigger, far more expensive one, and a city to match it. 

Phil wasn’t sure how ready they both were for it, but he did know that the move was crucial to the survival of their careers. 

“We’ll come back someday,” Phil said hopefully, and Dan nodded, “But not for awhile, probably.”

“Yeah, I mean I’m sure there’ll be a Starbucks in London we can take over every weekend.”

They laughed together, but Phil knew that Dan must be experiencing the same strange bittersweet feeling bubbling in his chest. They spent hundreds of hours here together, sat across from each other in the same seats every time. Phil wouldn’t ever forget the first time they came here. He was bursting with nerves, and they needed something to do before their dinner reservations started. 

He never thought that a table and chairs set in the corner of a Starbucks would mean so much to him. That it would turn from a first date spot to a weekly one. Or even that Dan would always sit strangely in his chair, treating it as if he owned it. 

“I thought we could do something before we left today,” Phil said as Dan put his drink down, licking his lips. 

“Oh?”

Phil reached down into his bag and fished around for the sharpie he threw into it earlier. He pulled it out triumphantly, and watched Dan’s face shift from a look of confusion to a toothy smile. 

“Ah, another classic Phil Lester quirk: vandalism.” 

“Shut up!” Phil said, but they both burst into fits of laughter, causing the family at the table diagonal to them to stop and stare. 

After they both calmed down, Phil got up and walked over to Dan. 

“I thought we could do it on the wall beside your chair,” Phil said, uncapping the pen, “But behind the arm so it’s not that noticeable.” 

“Right,” Dan said, nodding in agreement, pausing for a moment before looking into Phil’s eyes and asking, “Do you think I could do it this time?”

“Of course,” Phil replied, handing Dan the sharpie as a comfortable warmth spread through his chest. 

Dan flashed him a small smile before turning around and leaning over the side of the chair, pen trained towards the wall. Phil looked around, making sure no one was watching them, as this _was_ technically vandalism, but Dan finished quickly, leaning his head back into Phil’s stomach and capping the pen. 

“Well?” Dan asked, handing Phil the sharpie. 

Phil leaned forwards, peering over the side of the chair to see a shaky heart with a narrow “D+P” written in it. 

“It’s lovely,” Phil squeezed Dan’s upper arm, knowing that they couldn’t do much more in public for fear of someone seeing them, “Thank you.”

Dan reached up and covered Phil’s hand with his own, but only for a brief moment as a trio of teenagers coming down the stairs prompted them to break apart and sit back down in their respective seats. 

They smiled at each other, and Phil felt his chest tighten as a fear of the unknown settled in. 

*

Phil was laying on his back, taking in the cold tile of the bathroom floor against his hot and sticky skin. The bathtub beside him was occupied by Dan, whose too long legs hung over the side. If it were any other day, it could have been sexy, as they were in nothing but their pants, and surrounded by easy to wipe down tile. But they were grossly sweaty and breathing heavily from the heat and exhaustion, because of course they had to choose the hottest day of the year to move four hours south. 

“Phil, I think my brain is melting,” Dan said, shifting positions with a huff. 

“Mmm,” Phil replied, shutting his eyes. 

“Are we going to sleep in here tonight?” He could hear Dan getting out of the tub, and felt him lightly kick his arm. 

Phil opened his eyes again, and looked up at Dan. His hair was a nest of sweaty curls and there were bags under his eyes, but all Phil could think about was how much he loved him.

“Ugh, probably,” Phil said, sitting up and feeling his head spin from the heat and thirst, “We should get some water.”

Dan nodded and held out his hand to help Phil up. 

“Do you know where the dishes are?” Dan asked on their way to the kitchen. 

“If they aren’t in the kitchen, then I haven’t got a clue,” Phil replied,. 

When they got to the kitchen, they set out to open every box until one of them found the one with their drinkware. Of course, that seemed to be the one box that didn’t make it into the kitchen. 

“What the fuck,” Phil said, not for the first time since they walked up to the kitchen.  
“It’s okay, Phil,” Dan said, laying a gentle hand on Phil’s shoulder, “We can drink out of bowls.”

Phil let out a frustrated sigh and brought his hands to his face, shaking his head. 

“I’m sorry, Dan,” His voice was muffled by his hands, and he could hear it wavering, “I’m just annoyed that today hasn’t gone perfectly according to plan.” 

“I know,” Dan replied, “Me too. I just--I just hope that this wasn’t a mistake.” 

Phil looked up at Dan, who was staring intensely at the kitchen sink. He knew that they took a huge risk coming to London, especially with hardly any money and only the hope of acquiring a steady job. Naturally, both of them were absolutely terrified. 

“Yeah, I mean I don’t really fancy having my parents pay our utility bill for the rest of our lives.”

Dan met Phil’s eyes as he said this, and Phil could see the hurt behind them. 

“I know,” Dan said softly, “I don’t want to be a burden to your parents.”

“Dan, no, I--” Phil took a deep breath, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just hope we get that job. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Dan said, reaching for the box with their bowls, “It hasn’t been a great day, and I know the heat isn’t helping us.”

“Now,” Dan continued, changing the subject while walking to the sink with two bowls in his hands, “Would you like a bowl of water while I figure out where we should get takeaway from?”

Phil laughed and nodded. He was grateful for Dan, and even more so that even when they were both irritated and exhausted, one of them always managed to bring their spirits back up, in one way or another. 

*

January 2013

 

Standing in the corner closest to the table laden with food, Phil slowly sipped his drink while Dan made small talk with an already tipsy co-worker. He was glad Dan was doing the talking for them, as he was absolutely exhausted. Phil was riding on a post-show alcohol induced buzz, and the only things keeping him from completely passing out was the never-ending excitement his brain felt over being an official BBC employee and the warmth radiating from Dan, whose side he was glued to. 

He still couldn’t quite believe that they had done their first show, and as he heard Dan start to wrap up his conversation, Phil started to drink faster. 

It wasn’t a bad moment, of course. It felt great to have well-paying regular work with the nation’s leading radio station, and to be told that you did a great job despite the show’s catastrophic start. And of course there was the giant cake that Phil may or may not have gone back for fourths of. 

Dan turned to Phil once their co-worker walked away to mingle elsewhere, mouth already open before any sound came out. Meeting Phil’s eyes and looking down at the drink at Phil’s lips, Dan shut his mouth, a look of understanding passing his face. 

“So we should head out then, huh?” Dan said quietly to him.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said, nodding. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Phil,” Dan replied, and downed his drink before continuing, “After we’d gone back for that third piece of cake and talked to everyone important, I was pretty over this too.”

Phil laughed and finished the rest of his drink before they set out to say their goodbyes. 

 

Later that night, Phil was nuzzling his face into Dan’s back, trying to ignore the fact that he had to pee. He was far too comfortable to get up, and too tipsy to trust that he won’t bang his shins into the wicker bed frame when coming back. 

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked, “Are you awake?”

He made a noise in response, and Dan laughed quietly. 

“Phil, we did it,” Dan was as tipsy as Phil, and spoke at a stage whisper, “We actually have a show on the radio!”

“We do, don’t we?” Phil said into his back. 

“Look at us, finally making it in London,” Dan said. 

“Mmhmm,” Phil replied, feeling his exhaustion finally take over. 

Phil knew that they would be having the same conversation tomorrow morning when they were sober, though he couldn’t help but cherish this moment. It was the first time he could breathe easy since moving to London, knowing that all their bills could be paid by them and them alone, and that even better things were coming their way. 

*

April 2015

 

With a groan, Phil rolled over, hitching a leg over Dan’s. The fluffy white hotel comforter between them took away the skin on skin satisfaction Phil was craving, so he didn’t complain when Dan reached over and lazily grabbed at Phil’s forearm. 

“Listen,” Dan started, voice slightly hoarse, “I love you but if that was you hinting at round two after last night, I’m going to have to go for a firm pass.” 

Phil laughed. 

“Don’t worry, I’m on a strict 12 hours in between rule.” 

“I think I’m going to need more than 12 hours to recover from that,” Dan replied, twisting to face Phil while nuzzling his head into Phil’s chest. 

Phil smiled and pressed a kiss into Dan’s curling hair, feeling it twist up into his face and tickle his nose.

“I can’t believe we’re actually here,” Dan said, “I know it’s already been two days but it’s so surreal.” 

“I know what you mean,” Phil replied, affectionately tightening his grip on Dan. 

They had often talked about going to Japan, but they never thought they could make the trip a reality. However, with their work on the book coming to a close and a dip into the advance from their publishers, they both decided a holiday was in order. 

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and looked up at him. 

“So,” He said after a moment, “What’s on the agenda for today?”

“Well,” Phil said, reaching behind him to grab his phone and slide his glasses on, “It’s just after noon, and we meet Duncan and Mimei at four.”

“I guess we have some time to kill then,” Dan said, smiling. 

“But first,” Phil said, “I’m definitely in the mood for some room service.” 

Phil untangled himself from Dan, pushing back the duvet. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Phil felt Dan grab his wrist. 

“Wait, uh…”

He turned to see Dan, propped up on his elbow with his bottom lip caught between his teeth, flushed and looking away from him. 

“What?” 

“I know we don’t usually talk about this,” Dan started, “But it really feels like now or never to me.”

Confused, Phil got back into bed, listening to Dan as he continued. 

“With this book, and the tour, and generally all the _stuff_ we’re doing, it feels like we’re closing a chapter in our lives.”

 _Oh._ Phil nodded, signalling for Dan to carry on. 

“I love you so much, Phil, and this trip,” Dan paused to laugh for a moment, “It’s only been two days, but this trip has only highlighted that. With everything that’s going on, I don’t want to open up the next part of our lives being afraid, Phil.” 

“Me too,” Phil whispered, grabbing Dan’s hand and squeezing. 

“I wanna do all the stuff that people in relationships do, and I don’t want to be scared about it anymore.” 

Phil knew what Dan was implying, after all it was partly why they took this trip, and he felt his heart skip in his chest. 

“Because I’m so proud, Phil. I’m so proud of us, of you, of loving you. So, I don’t want to live in fear anymore.”

“I--” Phil struggled to find the words, and took a deep breath before starting over. 

“I want all of that too, Dan. And we _will_ have all of that, one day. I love you, and one day we’ll have a house, and a dog, and a family, and I can’t wait to share all of those things with you.”

“It’s just going to take some time,” Dan said, rubbing his thumb across the back of Phil’s hand. 

“It’s just going to take some time,” Phil repeated, leaning in to kiss Dan. 

While the topic of their future was an unspoken mutual understanding between them, Phil was glad Dan brought it up. He knew that the rest of their time here would carry conversations much like this one, which filled him with a strange child-like giddiness. There was something incomparable about the excitement you get from freely talking about your future with your boyfriend, Phil decided. 

He was glad that they had decided to take this trip, as it marked the start of how quickly their lives would change. Phil never liked change much, but there was something different about this one, making him accept and welcome it with open arms. 

*

October 2015

 

Huffing, Phil kicked the piles of sand out of his trainers while Dan sat a few feet away on the sand, laughing at him. 

“I hate sand,” Phil muttered. 

“Because it’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere?” Dan cackled at his own joke, and Phil rolled his eyes. 

“You’re the worst,” Phil said, “And the fact that you finally used that Star Wars reference in the right context does not make it any better.” 

“Hey, you know I usually leave ‘irritating’ out,” Dan said, watching Phil clumsily sit next to him. 

“I would hope being with me isn’t irritating for you,” Phil said, “Great, there’s sand in my shoe again.” 

“Oh, I don’t know Phil,” Dan smirked at him, “The sex is great but don’t get too comfortable.” 

“Shut up,” Phil said, shoving Dan playfully.

Dan shoved Phil back, and they both laughed at each other. Phil made a move to grab Dan’s hand, but stopped, remembering that they were on a very public beach. Dan saw this and shrugged, turning to face the water in front of them. Phil did the same, feeling his heart hurt at how quickly the mood between them changed. 

“This is the beginning of the end, and the start of the beginning,” Dan said after a moment. 

“Are you being fake deep again?” Phil asked, causing Dan to shoot him an annoyed look, but smile all the same. 

“No, you spoon,” Dan turned away from the water to look at Phil directly, “This is it, the book, the tour. This is our closure for that part of our lives, and the start of something new where we can stop being afraid.”

Phil nodded, and looked away from Dan. Suddenly, he was struck with an idea that made him leap to his feet, ignoring the new clumps of sand making their way into his shoes as a feeling of elation buzzed through his veins. Dan made a noise of protest as Phil told him to get up, but rose anyway, brushing sand off his butt and following Phil. 

They walked in silence until they reached the pier, Phil still buzzing with determination. 

“Are we walking the whole pier?” Dan asked, his tone tinged with uncertainty. 

“Yeah,” Phil replied, “Don’t worry, you’ll see why.”

Dan sighed and shook his head, but Phil could see him smiling out of the corner of his eye. 

Once they reached the lighthouse at the end of the pier, Phil pulled a pen out of his jacket pocket. 

“Where did that even come from?” Dan asked, but Phil shook his head. 

“Dunno, I guess I must have put it there at some point.”

“Am I about to witness defacement of public property at the hands of Phil Lester _again_?” Dan laughed, and Phil shushed him, smiling. 

He crouched down and uncapped the sharpie, looking around before writing the same thing Dan did in their Starbucks three years ago. 

“There,” Phil said, standing up, “This marks the beginning of the end, and the start of the beginning.” 

“Our beginning,” Dan said, grabbing Phil’s sleeve and pulling him closer. 

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, “Our.”

* 

April 2017

 

It was weird, Phil decided, looking around the empty lounge that held so many moments of the last five years.

They were both happy to leave, to finally move into a place with breathing room, but this strange flat with too many stairs, too much noise, and a glass door that caused the two of them far too much pain was where they grew up. 

“Phil?”

He turned to see Dan, his left hand in the air, holding two identical sets of keys. 

“You ready to lock up one last time?” 

“I--yeah,” Phil said, biting his bottom lip, “I think so, but this feels so weird.” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, dropping his arm at his side, “We really made this place ours, didn’t we?”

Phil nodded. “We came here with no money and a bunch of flat pack furniture, hoping our show would get picked up.”

“And now we’re moving into a place that will house all our shit, _and_ it has sturdy furniture.” 

“I mean, I can’t say I’m sorry to leave this place,” Phil said, laughing, “But we found ourselves here. It’s going to be hard to let go of it.”

“We did,” Dan said, walking over to wrap his arms around Phil’s waist, “I know you don’t like change, Phil, but this was long overdue.” 

Phil nodded into Dan’s shoulder. 

“And besides,” Dan continued, pulling away, “I find the fact that someone else will be moving in here after we’ve fucked on literally every surface amusing.” 

“You’re ridiculous,” Phil said, rolling his eyes and pushing Dan off him, “I just have one more thing to do, and then we can leave.” 

“One last walk through?” Dan asked, confusion tingeing his tone.

“Of sorts,” he replied, walking out of the lounge with Dan trailing behind him, turning right down the hallway. 

As he entered his bedroom, the vacant wicker bed greeted him, and Phil took great comfort in the thought that he wouldn’t have to crawl back into that bed ever again.

Pulling out the sharpie that he’d stuck in his back pocket earlier that day, Phil ducked into his empty closet, scrawling a small message in the far right corner. He stepped back so Dan could see, capping the pen. 

“‘D plus P, 2012 to 2017,’” Dan read out, “The fact that you wrote this in your closet isn’t some kind of metaphor is it?” 

Phil laughed and grabbed Dan’s hand. 

“C’mon, let’s lock up,” he said, and they walked out, turning off all the lights as they went for the last time. 

*

December 2017

 

Mud squelched under Phil’s trainers as he walked alongside Dan. Despite it being two days until Christmas, Dan insisted that he needed to get some sort of exercise in. Phil understood, of course, and was even glad that Dan woke him up at half past six that morning explaining that he needed to go on a walk, but not alone. 

They had been walking for about twenty minutes when Dan broke the silence between them. 

“Thank you, Phil,” he said quietly. 

Phil opened his mouth to reply, only to abruptly close it when Dan hooked his arm through Phil’s. 

It was foggy out, and Phil purposefully chose a more secluded place for them to walk, but he still felt a sharp twinge of fear slice through his chest. He relaxed seconds later, and turned to smile at Dan. 

“What do you think I’m here for?” Phil asked him, “I don’t care when or where we are. If you need help, I will always be there.”

“I know, Phil,” Dan said, “I just didn’t want today to be a really bad one, and I’m grateful that you’re here.”

“I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow,” Phil said with a small sigh, patting the arm Dan had linked with his. 

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out, “I do want to see my family but...this is so nice.”

Phil looked at Dan, whose eyes were trained on their arms. 

“It is,” Phil said. 

“And they know.” Dan was still looking at their arms. 

“Yes,” Phil replied, “Just like Florida.” 

Dan let out a breathy laugh. 

“It’s more freeing than I thought it would be,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, they’re really quite bright, aren’t they?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say we’ve made it very hard to read between the lines lately,” Dan said, and Phil relished the growing smile on his face. 

“I guess it would just be nice not to panic when I want to do this.” Dan shook the arm linked with Phil’s. 

“I know,” Phil said, “But we’ve come far over the past year, haven’t we?” 

“We definitely have,” Dan agreed, “And I’m glad I came up this year.”

“It’s a start isn’t it?” Phil said after a moment of comfortable silence. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, sliding his arm out of Phil’s and lacing their gloved fingers together.

Phil felt a warm feeling spread through his chest as they turned around, walking back in the direction of Phil’s parent’s house, hands tightly linked. 

*

2019

 

Wiping the thin sheen of sweat off his forehead, Phil placed his tape gun on the kitchen island and leaned against its edge. He could faintly hear Dan’s serious business tone coming from the floor below him, negotiating a delivery time with one of the furniture companies they purchased from. 

Phil closed his eyes and sighed, feeling his arms ache from lifting boxes all day. He knew that he _should_ be carrying on with his task of taping up and stacking the boxes while Dan took care of all the phone calls, but he was exhausted. 

“Phil?”

He opened his eyes. Dan was standing at the top of the stairs with a hand on his hip. His lips were pressed together, suppressing a smile. 

“Sorry,” He said, picking up his tape gun. 

As he walked over the the nearest open box, he noticed Dan coming towards him. 

“Phil,” He said, touching his arm when he was close enough, “What are you sorry about?”

“I--,” Phil stopped, sighing, “I should have been packing, considering the fact that you’ve been doing all the phone calls, and that we’re leaving tomorrow morning.” 

“Hey,” Dan said gently, “Don’t worry about it. I came up here to ask what you wanted to eat for dinner so we could relax for a second.” 

Oh. 

“I hate moving,” Phil said, pressing his forehead into Dan’s bicep, “It’s too stressful.” 

“I know,” Dan said, taking the tape gun from Phil and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, “Me too.” 

They stood wrapped in an embrace, their faces pressed into each other’s shoulders, relishing the way time seemed to stop around them. 

Phil wished he could stay like this forever. There was something about hugging Dan that soothed Phil in a way that could only compare to hugging his mum, and Phil never wanted to let go. 

“This is it, though,” Dan said, his voice muffled from Phil’s shoulder. 

“What do you mean?” Phil replied, reluctantly leaning back. 

“Well,” Dan said, meeting Phil’s eyes, “We bought that house. I don’t see us moving again anytime soon after this.” 

Phil felt his stomach drop. 

_Oh, right,_ Phil thought to himself, _This is it._

“God, this is--I mean,” Phil laughed, “You’re right.”

“You okay, Phil?” Dan said, grinning. 

“Of course, it’s just that it’s so adult, and so _final_.”

“But that’s not a bad thing,” Dan said. 

“No, no, never,” Phil said quickly, “I wouldn’t change this for the world. I guess I’m just a little nervous.” 

Dan nodded, pulling Phil close again for a moment, before affectionately cupping his cheek, and asking him if ordering pizza would be alright for dinner. 

Phil nodded, and Dan walked back downstairs to grab his laptop to get their order ready.

“For the last time,” Phil quietly said to himself once Dan was down the stairs. 

Alongside the irrational panic bubbling in his stomach, Phil felt excitement tingle in the tips of his fingers and chest. 

After a ten year journey filled with exhausting ups and downs, Phil was thrilled to finally settle down with his best friend. 

*

Phil stands in the narrow, box-filled entrance of the terraced house while Dan shuts and locks the door behind them. His head’s been in the clouds all day, thinking about all the beginnings he and Dan have shared.

“It’s really strange being here, isn’t it?” Dan says, walking over to stand at Phil’s side.

“Hmm?” Phil says, looking up at Dan, “Oh, yeah. I’m happy though.” 

“I would hope so,” Dan replies, looking closely at Phil with a small smile on his face, “Where have you been all day? You _definitely_ haven’t been entirely with me.” 

Phil laughs at this. 

“I’ve just been thinking.” He says, simply. 

Dan lets out an exaggerated sigh and pouts for a moment. Phil smiles at him and poke his cheek, which makes Dan smile back at him. 

“So I have something to show you,” He tells Phil after a moment, tugging at his arm. 

“Oh?” Phil asks as Dan starts to walk them through the house, scarcely avoiding tripping over boxes. 

“Yeah, it’s just in the garden.” 

“The garden?” Phil knits his brows together, feeling utterly confused. 

Eventually, they reach the pair of sliding doors at the back of the house, which Dan turns around and leans against before opening. 

“Think of this as a sort of housewarming gift,” Dan says, with a smile, “I wanted to do it before we officially move in and unpack next week, mostly so we can pretend that it came with the house.” 

“What are you on about, Dan?” Phil asks, still confused, “And you paid for this house too. It’s everyone else’s job to get _us_ housewarming gifts.” 

Dan shakes his head at Phil and tsks, turning around to slide open the door. 

“Come on, you ungrateful rat,” Dan says, motioning for Phil to follow. 

Their garden is tiny, but big enough for a dog or a little kid to run around in, which was all that mattered to them when they bought the place. Currently, Phil loves how green it is, and how nice it feels to have a little pocket of nature just off of their kitchen. To Dan, it apparently means a little more, and Phil feels his hand come up to cover his mouth as they walk up to a little pile of soil with a shiny rock sitting on top of it. 

“I want this place to be ours, right from the beginning. So, I got this slab of granite engraved, and once we’re settled, I’m getting a cherry blossom tree planted which the granite will live at the base of.” 

Phil can’t find the right words to express how he feels, so instead he grasps at Dan’s sleeve, reading the engraving over and over.

D+P  
2009-∞

“It’s not too cheesy, is it? I know it kind of looks like a gravestone--”

Phil tackle-hugs Dan, sharply cutting him off. 

“I love it, Dan,” Phil says, “It is cheesy, but that’s _why_ I love it, and why I love you.”

“It kind of became our thing, didn’t it? Writing our initials in places, like we’re in some sort of romance movie.”

“Yeah, I guess it did,” Phil says, laughing and suddenly feeling awfully overwhelmed, “Do you think we can sit down for a minute? I just want to sit with you in our garden.”

“Of course, Phil,” Dan says, grabbing his hand as they sit down on the grass and lacing their fingers together. 

Phil wasn’t sure he could ever feel happier than at this exact moment. 

Sometimes, love is a shy peck on the lips, other times it’s a proclamation in the snow that melted a decade ago or a message only meant to be heard by one. Sometimes it’s two letters written in black ink on a lighthouse, a wall in Starbucks, a train station, and in the corner of an apartment with cracking walls and leaky pipes. 

Sometimes, it’s sitting in a tiny garden, and looking over at the dimpled cheeks and unruly curls of the person you love the most, ready to start the chapter of your life together that you secretly desperately wished for long before you had the chance to feel his warm embrace in the middle of a busy train station. 

Phil drinks in the ambiance of the busy city around them, and rests his head against Dan’s shoulder, and rubs his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a lyric taken from Paramore's "Still Into You"
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](https://obsessivelymoody.tumblr.com/)


End file.
